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Lions Roar : September 2017
THIS DHARMA LIFE Confessions of a Terrible Cook LINDSAY KYTE tries to master the microwave. Will she defeat her sense of defeat? MEGUMIYOSHIDA MY COOKING DISASTERS are legend- ary. I have messed up boxed macaroni and cheese. Once I almost died trying to make a Thai curry. Sounds impossible, you say? Well, read on: I put a glass casserole dish on the stove, turned the element on high, and added the dry ingredients. When I put in the coconut milk, the whole darn thing exploded into shards of flying glass that somehow missed my face and major arteries. A friend happened to walk into my apartment just as the dish exploded, and screamed in terror as he watched me almost die from trying to make curry. Ever since, he has only met me at restaurants. You may argue this, but I often think cooking is a talent only some people are born with, like being able to sing on key or curl your tongue. I can do both of those things. But make a salad without the smoke alarm going off? Can’t seem to master that one. I have watched friends cook like they are conducting a symphony— they hear the music of the spices while canisters of pars- ley, sage, rosemary, and thyme dance above them in some yummy Simon and Garfunkel tune. One friend garnishes every single meal he makes, even if it’s just a snack for Netflix. I burned microwave popcorn for my Netflix view- ing the other night, and then ate it straight from the bag. Do burnt parts count as garnish? LINDSAY KYTE is the associate editor of Lion’s Roar, where she can now bring leftovers in for lunch. For most of my adult life, I have lived an artist’s life, where you are always on the road, there is never time to cook, and food is just fuel for the next gig. But when I was diagnosed with celiac disease, I really had to try to learn how to cook. Finding celiac-friendly takeout is a huge ordeal. I asked an expert for help. My Aunt Kathy should own a cape for being able to skilfully master anything she takes on, including being a wonderful cook. She is one of those people so attuned to the needs of others that when someone upstairs realizes they’re cold, she imme- diately hollers, “The sweaters are in the closet.” Her meals are always delicious, and prepared with joy and love. Mine are prepared with terror, a sense of defeat, and dread of having to actually con- sume whatever is the outcome of these endeavours. Aunt Kathy and I went out for some wine, and over some nice Malbec that was turning my teeth blue (I am a great date), I told her how I needed to find ways to get more nutritious food into my diet. She suggested cooking spaghetti squash instead of rice pasta. That sounded ter- ribly difficult to me, but I am nothing if not brave (re: foolhardy). So I looked up a tutorial, marched on down to the LION’S ROAR | SEPTEMBER 2017 23 CULTURE • LIFE • PRACTICE