using the arrow buttons.
by clicking on the page.
the page around when zoomed in by dragging it.
the zoom using the slider when zoomed-in.
by clicking on the zoomed-in page.
by entering text in the search field, and select "This Issue" or "All Issues"
by clicking on thumbnails to select pages, and then press the print button.
displays sections with thumbnails and descriptions.
displays a slider of thumbnails. Click on a page to jump.
allows you to browse the full archive.
about your subscription?
Lions Roar : March 2019
“But that was an illusion,” she says. Alicia realized although she was trying to be mindful of the emotions of others, she was not allowing herself to have emotions. “I was telling myself, ‘I’m like a scientist doing an experiment.’” Alicia discovered she was using Buddhism and mind- fulness as form of spiritual bypass. “I was trying to go into this from what I thought was a spiritual perspective. Then the facade crumbled and now I’m in a real spiri- tual situation, because it’s pretty damn groundless now.” While she had been trying not to get caught up in stories of who the others were, “I got caught up in my own story of being a Buddhist.” Trying to understand the role of hope was Alicia’s real challenge. “There’s this idea that hope is suffering. Hope is pain. I want to be in love, but I don’t want to hope.” What followed these thoughts was a spectacular meltdown. “It was one of my favorite meltdowns I’ve had recently,” Alicia says. “You’re really mourning the pieces of you falling off that don’t serve you anymore.” This was Alicia’s tearful goodbye to the persona she had unknowingly layered on to protect herself. I asked our mentors to advise us about the concept of “hope”: “Hope doesn’t need to be abandoned, but it is unskillful when it takes the form of attachment,” says Melvin Escobar. “We can bring mindful attention to feelings of hope. Notice how it shows up in the body. Notice the leaning forward, the tensions that arise, the rush of feel-good hormones. Notice how it shows up in ‘either-or’ thinking: ‘This could be the one!’ or ‘This isn’t the one!’ We are practicing mindfulness when we notice these sensations of the body-heart- mind and come back with kindness to things as they are. Acting in alignment with wholesome intention, rather than with an attachment to how things will turn out, is a skillful way to practice with hope.” Yael Shy says that Bud- dhists, and everyone else, should let themselves feel hope and excitement, if that’s what’s coming up. “Just like Alicia, I used to try and squash my hope as soon as it appeared, worried that it might make me too attached to outcomes I couldn’t con- trol that would leave me hurt- ing when it all came crashing down,” she says. “‘Don’t get your hopes up’ was my man- tra. I thought this made me a good Buddhist. “The sad part of that man- tra, however, was that it never worked. My hopes somehow always still managed to get up, and if things fell apart, I always got hurt. No amount of pre-work telling myself otherwise could protect me. The only thing it did was make me anxious and miserable in the lead-up to the date. “Buddhism isn’t about abandoning our desire or excitement. It is about becoming aware of our desire, as Alicia did. Naming it. Feeling it. Opening up to it. For me, every opening to desire comes with a measure of fear. What if everything falls apart? What if I get hurt? Yes, I gently say to myself, that might happen. But it will inevitably happen if I never take the risk in the first place. Telling myself not to get my hopes up just doesn’t work. Instead, can I open up to love and hope in the face of tre- mendous risk? If my heart breaks, I can say that at least I had the joy and excitement in the lead-up.” Alicia made plans to go on her date with Mark, making a point to allow hope to be present while realizing she couldn’t plan for a particular out- come. “This is not what I thought I was signing up for,” said Alicia. “But I guess affairs of the heart do require your heart.” ♦ In our next issue, follow Alicia’s journey as she navi- gates meeting her matches face-to-face, with advice from our Buddhist relationship experts for each step. match 58% looking4u_91 37 • Tulsa, OK Message... Send Telme 11:14 PM Conversation 44% Sunday - 3:06pm How was your weekend Wednesday - 9:53pm Hey what’s up Sunday - 9:46pm Hey what’s up Monday - 10:07pm I love your smile Friday - 6:46pm How was your week ISTOCK.COM/ALPGIRAYKELEM LION’S ROAR | MARCH 2019 69