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Lions Roar : July 2019
sex, and abusive men. “At one point I couldn’t stop drinking and fucking,” she writes. “When you hold me down or lift me up, when you lie on top of me and I can feel your weight, I exist. I am here.” Ensler explored many forms of spirituality at that time, including Buddhism, “the principles of which I still practice daily,” she says. But using spirituality to transcend or bypass trauma was never a possibility for her. “So much of what hap- pened to me at a young age made me so anxious that I had to do real work on the spot,” Ensler says. “It forced me to deal with what was happening in myself. And you can’t skip any- thing, really.” Ensler knew she’d hit rock bottom when she woke up in a parking lot after being beaten by her boyfriend, and suddenly saw she was squandering her talents, gifts, and opportunities. “I got on my knees and swore to a God I didn’t believe in,” she writes, “that if I were granted the return of my mind, I would change.” PHOTOBYPAULAALLEN LION’S ROAR | JULY 2019 35